What's Love Got To Do With It?

Is it possible to love too easily and yet somehow not really at all? Sometimes I think there's an invisible wall just below the surface of my heart. A person gets in and starts to feel the warmth but then lightly smacks into this immovable resistance. The warmth is soothing and pleasant at first, but like a shallow bath, cools all too quickly and you find yourself wanting to get out or plunge deeper - the sooner the better.

Love, by definition, is not self seeking. So why is it so hard to tear down so-called defenses?
The whole process makes me simultaneously cagey and lonely, excited and terrified, analytical and emotional; to the point that I wonder if sanity is something that I can actually claim.

And why is it that I can't seem to really write what I mean these days?

Ok, I'll say it.

QUIET!

AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I went out to an east end station to precept today with the idea that I'd actually get some calls.

Ha.

One little old lady and six hours later....

Patientless Call Sheets

So now I'm precepting. Last week my Virginia Certificate arrived in the mail and so I'm spending every possible moment [within a slight degree of reason] at the station, simultaneously anticipating and dreading calls. I know that they're not going to throw me out there without any backup, that's why I'm precepting, but still. It's kinda daunting at times if a girl thinks too much.

The majority of my precepting experience has come in the form of patientless call sheets. We get dispatched and then put back in service while en route, or we arrive and discover that there's no patient, and no door to be unlocked because the kid woke up and unlocked the car already.

Sometimes, I tell ya . . . .

I won't actually SAY the "q" word, but it seems like it could apply to the western front these days. At least when I'm running.

In other news, the new job is going quite well. They decided to use me as a tech, instead of a secretary, so I get to wear scrubs and deal with patients on a face to face level, rather than sit on my butt all day and answer a phone for 8 hours. I'm happy. (besides that, there's the whole three twelve hour shifts a week aspect, which isn't half shabby when you're looking at going back to school . . .)

Last week I finally "went out" with a group from the station. It was fun. I had a few drinks I'd never heard of, successfully dodged attempts at getting me wasted and basically had a good time. While I don't understand how people find the money to do that on a regular basis, let alone why anyone would want to drink their brain away into oblivion, I'm glad I went. Buddies are good to have :-)

Passage

On Saturday, June 14, 2008 at approximately 1300, I passed the test to become a Loudoun County EMT-B. My partner and I nailed trauma, medical, BLS skills and airway practicals the first time through. The one we didn't get - AED - can be attributed to nervousness combined with lack of equipment in the scenario. When your adrenaline's going, it's hard to remember that there's hypothetical oxygen to hook up. As for the written, I missed my goal of a perfect 100 by one measly point. Hmph. Yet another lesson in critical reading skills on multiple choice tests.

State testing is on Thursday. Tonight's my first shift back at the station. Life is crazy busy. And somewhere, somehow, I know:

I was made for this.

Loneliness

Feeling lonely is sort of a choice, I guess. But there are some degrees of it that cannot be worked away.

For some reason, my heart wants to find a buddy. I don't want to fall in love, and all interaction with males of the single persuasion is not really convincing me to change my mind on that topic. I don't even really want a best friend, though I'm seriously missing my macadamia these days.

No, I think my heart is wanting church. Not the "put on your happy face, sing the songs, plunk you butt in the pew and then leave for whatever activity of your choosing" version, but the "let's live life together, tell me what's up, or let's just sit and let God talk to us together" version.

And I can't find it.

Maybe this is on my mind because they keep telling us to prioritize our personal safety on scene, because, after all "each of you is someone's favorite person." Ha. That's true for several people, but I know it's not the case for me. Sure, I'd be missed, but it's not like anyone would be devastated. . . . death has a way of making a girl cynical, I think. Besides that, my brainwave's lonely. Dad's been off it for over two years now. I'm still kicking, but nobody quite gets it.

I don't think I'd want to know if someone did.

Good grief, this is not coming out the way I mean for it to. No more late afternoon musing under tired stress!

A Day in the Life

of absolute insanity.

In the words of my native land: Uff da.

Yesterday I got up and went running in the morning, which somehow gave me tons of energy for all of Monday -- enough to get through an insanely boring lecture and then go shopping afterwards.

Today, I slept in and felt like I was going to fall asleep at my desk every time I sat down.

Anyway, while boxing graduation supplies and other various bookish supplies that the Publications Department handles, I got a phone call. I went inside to speak with the background investigator handling my friend's application for work in the intelligence field. While speaking with said investigator, the chain on my bullet broke. It was rather sudden, and I didn't have opportunity to display sadness. Because the chain is now so short, it's hanging from the rearview mirror of my car.

After the investigative discussion, I returned to the trailer and continued sorting emails and boxing packages and hauling packages to the mailroom and making an overall mess of my work space. There were a lot of orders and many items to restock, meaning many empty boxes. They started adding up after a while.

And I was still tired, so I took lunch break to go retrieve caffeine.

It didn't really help.

But I kept working. And people came out to be trained and package things and the pile of boxes got bigger.

And then there was this whole thing about being set up on a blind date, and the conversation I had with my mother as a result, which involved being informed that I must have inherited my lips from my dad. . . .

Now I'm sitting in a chair at home, waiting for the internet to come back on so that I can finish a conversation with a friend and post this ridiculously disjointed blog post. Katie's making bread, because she's amazing that way, and I'm going running in the morning with the hope that it will give me energy to get through the day. Energy is going to be in high demand, because I have to finagle my way into an entrance exam with the community college and then go to EMT class... There's lots of stuff to study these days, and now I have a job interview at the hospital on top of it.

Good grief, God, I need sleep.

Interestingly enough, I was thinking about Him today and realizing that I've been tending toward going through the motions of relationship rather than just . . .living it . . . recently. He's working me out of it, thankfully, but I hate that it's so easy to get back into that formulaic mentality.

Sitting at the Station

And the whole addiction to coffee that the rest of the world seems to have finally begins to make sense. My body is getting more and more accustomed to being up early, but the whole being awake part? Not so much. Caffeine is an amazing thing, but I really hope to keep ingestion of it to a minimum.

There have been a variety of thoughts running through my head over the past couple of weeks. A whirlwind trip up north got me thinking more about family relationships and how much things change over time. It's so weird to realize that it's been almost 2 years since Daddy died. A year ago it seemed like yesterday. Now it seems like another life.

We've entered the medical portion of EMT class. Lectures on the differences between administering and assisting with medications and what our protocols allow us to do abound. As do skills sessions in which the evaluator attempts to confuse me . . . and succeeds. Note to self: even if the station is named "medical" and the entire focal point of class for the past week has been medical scenarios, consider the possibility that your patient may be a trauma case. :-P

There's a potential job opening in a local hospital that will pay for nurse's training in addition to a regular pay check. God never ceases to amaze me with how He just provides for needs at the right time. There are times when I feel as though there's almost an excess, and times when it seems as though there's no way anything will work, but when it comes down to it, everything is taken care of.

Kinda crazy. We'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks. Between placement exams, application exams, ER rotations and class, I'm not sure how much time I'll really have to think about what's going on. But I know that it will be good :-)

"I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead . . ."
~Lifehouse, "Broken"

It's too late for me to be awake and typing coherent thought. I got up and ran at 5AM today and just confirmed that I will be getting up and running at 6AM tomorrow. This song is good...Nat and I make good non-bakey pies...and now I have cool sneakers that were FREE.

That's all. :-P

Insomnia

I cannot get myself to sleep. Today started before 5 AM and my body will not just SLEEP. What is wrong with me??

Maybe there's just too much in my head to get out. Ok, fine, here's what's in my head*:

EMT class is amazing. I want to do medically related work all the time. I love it. For years, I swore off the complete dedication bordering on addiction that results in having no life, and it's finally to a point where that doesn't matter any more. This stuff is AWESOME! As incredible as the level of excitement I have is . . .heh, it's not like we're actually doing anything all too wonderfully thrilling. We just went over patient assessment some more this evening, as well as a couple of specific skill sets - MAST pants and special soft tissue injuries (yay for making donut rolls out of cling! do you know which types of wounds require a moist dressing? :-P) I'm getting to know some people in my class, and one of my classmates asked me to cover for her later this month while she's gone on a business trip. Hopefully that works out, because getting some time in at different - and busier - stations would be great.

Of course, all of this comes at a cost. I don't know what is happening with my life at all right now. Hopefully I'll go to NOVA and get into the nursing program, and I really believe that'll be the smartest thing to do, long term. But at the same time? Man, I'd really just like to get into Recruit school and do Fire/Rescue (ok, so mostly just Rescue...) for the rest of however long. Part of this probably stems from being less than thrilled with my current job. No discredit to my employer is meant by this, it's just the way it is. I've had the same job for almost 4 years, and there's really nothing there to challenge me anymore . . .aside from being steadfast and patient and other good things. Which are all . . .good things. So yeah, I'm not complaining, just...yearning for further mental stimulation.

It's annoying to need to have a job that pays money. Honestly, if it weren't for my car...or the fact that I need to pay rent...or that whole insurance thing...or tuition...life would be a lot simpler.

And then there's the whole guy thing. Which really isn't all too confusing, I guess. At least, I don't THINK it is. And so, I should just not think about it, until further interaction proves me wrong, which I don't think it will. Bleh. Whatever. I just don't like feeling potentially confused.

All of this, of course, is further confused by this stupid sinus infection. I HATE my sinuses! Ok, so not really, but seriously. Every time I get truly horribly sick? It's a sinus infection. I'm on antibiotics for the first time since highschool and they're making me sick to my stomach. Yeah, so the whole pressure in my head thing is decreasing, but does it really have to occur in such a way that makes me think food must be the invention of Satan?

God's been teaching me an awful lot about love and trust lately. Of course, I always say that. Those are sort of the themes of life, as far as I can tell. But when you think about what it means to truly love those around us, it's rather intimidating. When God says everyone, He means just that. Sometimes, I can convince myself that I'm getting better at that, but when I step back and really look at the situation, it's pretty obvious that I'm not. In some ways, there has been significant growth -- I'm a lot more accepting of people being who they are and not expecting them to meet a certain set of guidelines for acceptableness as a human being. Having said that, however, actually presenting the truth and reality of my relationship with God in such a way that opens doors for further dialogue is something that needs some serious work. *sigh*

And I have amazing friends. That's enough for now. :-P

*to be taken with a grain of salt . . .or several grains. it's after midnight, after all

Unknown

Heard a voice on the radio
It made me think of you
Wonder what you did today
Everything that you've been up to
Do you miss me
Do you think
I do enough of that for both of us

Heard a voice on the radio
Strong and deep and sure
You make me laugh
And that reminds me
Sometimes real love is pure
Do I miss you
Do I think
You stopped enough for both of us

Heard a voice on the radio
Maybe someday I'll hear yours

The Great Protestant American Work Ethic

The USPS heralds it: neither rain, nor sleet, nor wind, nor . . .whatever. . .will keep them from getting the mail through. Hooah, oorah, and whatever other manly sounding buck up and face the storm sort of expression you can come up with, the idea of working and making it to the office regardless of the obstacles in your way is a grand American precept.

The forces of nature we are supposed to endure and slog through also contains sickness.

Nevermind the fact that, if you stay home for a day when you feel slightly gross, your body will have a chance to recoup and ward off the forces of infection assailing your valiant immune system. Go to the office! Demonstrate your commitment and fortitude to the cause of data entry and other tasks that simply would not get done without your dedicated presence at every given opportunity. While you're there, your coworkers will provide unwillingly welcome little havens for the rapidly growing family of infectiousness inhabiting your upper respiratory system.

Of course, upon infection, a reasonable person may decide to remain at home to give their courageous leukocytes a chance to build more effective defenses. This person will be simultaneously pitied and unspeakingly scorned for their weakness. Then, because said person really isn't a slacker, but a legitimately interested employee with a desire to aid their department, person will figure out a workable solution for doing some mildly irritating task from home.

Person will rejoice via text-based communication to a fellow employee and fellow employee will then inform person that some policy, somewhere, deems person not able to do said mildly irritating task from home.

Welcome to the American workforce.

Dropping Out

Withdrawing. Retreating. I prefer to think of it as advancing to a more strategic location.

It's amazing how something that evokes an initial reaction of disappointment or chagrin can actually be good.

Over the past couple of weeks I've learned the reality of steps determined by God as opposed to the ones planned by me. Yesterday, I withdrew from Regent University, and I don't regret it one bit. When I think back on my time with them, it becomes rather obvious that I was grasping for security in the here and now and my own understanding, rather than trusting that God did indeed have the master plan.

It takes me a while to learn these things. PHC was the same way at times.

Anyway, I'm no longer a student, and by all initial external appearances, there's nowhere for me to go.

But that's not the reality of it.

Never before in my life have I really felt as though I'm living confidently in faith. Sure, I've had moments of clarity, but these past few days have just been SO amazing! I want to write down every moment and capture it to look back on someday when it doesn't seem really possible, but in order to live it out, I can't stop and reflect for as long as that would take.

As sudden and seemingly random as all of the changes in my life as of late seem to be, I should be freaking out. But I'm not. At all. In a way, dropping out of school is kinda like an eaglet getting dropped out of nest . . . and discovering what it means to fly.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. ~Hebrews 4:16


[nursing school, here i come!]

Great Expectations

Somewhere along the line, I gave up expecting anything.

Anything, that is, save disappointment.

The realist in me requires some sort of disclaimer: disappointment is part of life.
The cynic says that's all there is to it.
The optimist says "disappointment means you hope!"

And the rest of me is sick of labels and analyzing and just wants to be me.

Basically, God's been teaching me to expect Him. I spent so much time constructing this model of how I think that life should work. And as I live, it becomes increasingly apparent that my plans aren't necessarily the ones that He has for me. From college to career to the confuddlement of relationships, nothing is as I thought it would be.

But it's good.

Huh?

So I've crossed that invisible line that I avoided thinking about for so long.

Last week, I went on a date.

It was fun.

It was also weird. I don't date. Come on; I'm...me. Me doesn't go out with some random guy who just decides that he possibly likes me. This is completely foreign. I've heard of people doing things like this, but God, I'm finally in a place where I like my life. It's not bad. Seriously. You let me do what I want, when I want, and I like it that way. Men just complicate this really nice arrangement we've got going, and I don't want any complications. The last few years have been plenty complicated and I'm ready for quiet simplicity.

I think I need to change my expectations.

Comforting Challenge

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~Phil. 4:4-7

Most of the time, when I reference that passage, I focus on the latter two verses - don't worry, tell God, you'll receive peace. Quite frankly, doing that is difficult enough. But tonight I had a sense that I should check out the preceding verses. And I was blown away by how much a heart can forget.

Rejoice in the Lord always.

Always? God, seriously now, I know what You mean when You say "always" and . . . no offense, but I think maybe there's been something lost in translation here. You can't seriously mean always. I know, "blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering . . . You give and take away . . ." all that. Sure. I sing it, I even believe I mean it most of the time. But . . . rejoice? With an exclamation point?! That really, really doesn't make much sense. Or come very easily, I'll have You know.

Psh. And THEN there's verse five. "Let your gentleness be evident to all." HAHAHAHA! WhatEVER, Lord.

*cough* somehow, "whatever" and "Lord" don't seem to fit well together in sentence form. At least not with that inflection. Sorry about that.

But . . .God?? What do You seriously mean by that? Gentleness implies some sort of . . .sweet innocent caring spirit. You do realize that living a "gentle" life in this world is akin to crossing an interstate, blindfolded, on foot, in the dark, wearing black, right? Gentle people don't survive, Lord. They don't stand a chance. And quite frankly, I am sick of being shredded at every crossroad. I'm sick of trying to be gentle. I'm sick of having to retrain myself to be gentle. I'm sick of giving You everything, only to end up hurting, realize I tried to do it on my own and then have to go through the entire thing all over again.

I don't want to feel beautiful, Abba. I want to be beautiful. I don't want to fight against myself and try to quiet my own heart. There are enough externals trying to mess up everything, I don't need to add to the fury.

Why is it that I can know so incredibly clearly what I DON'T want and simultaneously have practically NO IDEA what it is that I DO what?

And, Abba, why do I want You . . . only to find that I am terrified to live what that truly means?

Randomness and the thoughts that go with it

Yesterday, I flew home. The flight was fairly uneventful...I was in the middle seat between a sweet old asian lady going to Mississippi and a deaf girl meeting her family here in the north.

Of course, I was flying on about 2 hours of sleep, so I slept on the plane. Thank You, God, for iPods and sound proof headphones. Eesh. Upon arriving at MSP, I was reminded with painful clarity why checking luggage is a bad idea. It adds significant time to your departure from the world of harried travelers. Especially in Minneapolis. Minneapolis is the only airport I know of where luggage gets delayed because the little tram things "take a wrong turn" between the plane and the terminal . . . I checked my bag for the convenience of not having to worry about "gels, liquids or aerosols" Heh. The hassle at security may be worth it. I'm not sure what I'll do for the trip back in two weeks.

Thus far, my journeys have already opened windows of opportunity for good conversations with my family and friends. Warren, Abe and I talked last night (yeah, I was so tired that I couldn't sleep. Hate that . . .) And then Annie and I were able to talk a bit on the way into town and back after retrieving pizza this afternoon :-) There is definitely something to be said for being home. Even if I am still sleeping on the couch. Oh well. It's a comfy couch.

I want to learn to play guitar in the worst way. But I feel completely inept. Argh. If I do end up moving home, music is something I will be dedicating significant effort to, that's for sure. Family, music and saving money. Sounds like a plan to me.

There were thoughts of actual sort of consequence that I was going to write about, but for some reason, writing isn't coming to me yet. I think I'm still too soul-weary. Maybe later...

Awesome.

Tonight, I was paid one of the highest compliments of my life.

A guy I respect as a brother thanked me almost profusely and said I was awesome.

Let it be known heretoforthwith that sometimes. . . sometimes it really does pay off.

Thanks, God. :-)

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many gods have poured out their hearts to romance a world that is torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?


Only one.
~How Many Kings, downhere

Amazing, how I've been struggling against cynical scroogey thoughts recently. . . it just takes a little perspective. I'm not going to all of a sudden decide to send out scads of Christmas cards to everyone who's said more than "hi" in my life. And I'm not about to go spend money I don't have on awesome presents for my friends and family. I'm not even going to say that I'm feeling miraculously happy when, quite honestly, I'm fighting depression awfully hard right now.

But I will say that God is good. Because He is. And I will keep praying for a heart that is open to His leading and life that is lived for His purpose.

Disappointed

I am disappointed. Supposedly that means that I was hoping. Maybe I'm still hoping? I don't know, really. Mostly, I feel confused.

It's so weird to realize that you know someone so incredibly well as to know that they WOULD do something, but then think that they've grown and matured past a point where that becomes acceptable . . . . only to blink and see them do something nearly inexplicable.

Maybe I should market myself for my insane skillz. Got a position that needs filling? Hire me to be simply interested in it and it will no longer need filling. Guy looking for a girlfriend? Flirt with me a bit to get me interested and then she'll come along.

:-P I'm really not as cynical as this sounds. Abba's teaching me so many things. I just need to get my thoughts out.

Time to stop blogging and start journaling, I guess.

If it wasn't this. . .

Flat on the interstate.

In the dark.

With sleet.

And a wrench that doesn't fit because of funky after market rims.

Thank You, God, for AAA.

Thank You, God, that there was someone at the Wal-Mart tire counter after they closed.

Thank You, God, for protecting all people persons when I crashed into the pole.

Thank You, God, that my property was the only property damaged when I crashed.

Thank You, God, for a friend with friends in the area, a sister who could get online and get phone numbers for me and members of Your body willing to stay up late and open their home to me.

Thank You, Abba, for a man who doesn't know me, but was willing to work on my crunched car without charging a cent.

....Thank You for love.