Comforting Challenge

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~Phil. 4:4-7

Most of the time, when I reference that passage, I focus on the latter two verses - don't worry, tell God, you'll receive peace. Quite frankly, doing that is difficult enough. But tonight I had a sense that I should check out the preceding verses. And I was blown away by how much a heart can forget.

Rejoice in the Lord always.

Always? God, seriously now, I know what You mean when You say "always" and . . . no offense, but I think maybe there's been something lost in translation here. You can't seriously mean always. I know, "blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering . . . You give and take away . . ." all that. Sure. I sing it, I even believe I mean it most of the time. But . . . rejoice? With an exclamation point?! That really, really doesn't make much sense. Or come very easily, I'll have You know.

Psh. And THEN there's verse five. "Let your gentleness be evident to all." HAHAHAHA! WhatEVER, Lord.

*cough* somehow, "whatever" and "Lord" don't seem to fit well together in sentence form. At least not with that inflection. Sorry about that.

But . . .God?? What do You seriously mean by that? Gentleness implies some sort of . . .sweet innocent caring spirit. You do realize that living a "gentle" life in this world is akin to crossing an interstate, blindfolded, on foot, in the dark, wearing black, right? Gentle people don't survive, Lord. They don't stand a chance. And quite frankly, I am sick of being shredded at every crossroad. I'm sick of trying to be gentle. I'm sick of having to retrain myself to be gentle. I'm sick of giving You everything, only to end up hurting, realize I tried to do it on my own and then have to go through the entire thing all over again.

I don't want to feel beautiful, Abba. I want to be beautiful. I don't want to fight against myself and try to quiet my own heart. There are enough externals trying to mess up everything, I don't need to add to the fury.

Why is it that I can know so incredibly clearly what I DON'T want and simultaneously have practically NO IDEA what it is that I DO what?

And, Abba, why do I want You . . . only to find that I am terrified to live what that truly means?

Randomness and the thoughts that go with it

Yesterday, I flew home. The flight was fairly uneventful...I was in the middle seat between a sweet old asian lady going to Mississippi and a deaf girl meeting her family here in the north.

Of course, I was flying on about 2 hours of sleep, so I slept on the plane. Thank You, God, for iPods and sound proof headphones. Eesh. Upon arriving at MSP, I was reminded with painful clarity why checking luggage is a bad idea. It adds significant time to your departure from the world of harried travelers. Especially in Minneapolis. Minneapolis is the only airport I know of where luggage gets delayed because the little tram things "take a wrong turn" between the plane and the terminal . . . I checked my bag for the convenience of not having to worry about "gels, liquids or aerosols" Heh. The hassle at security may be worth it. I'm not sure what I'll do for the trip back in two weeks.

Thus far, my journeys have already opened windows of opportunity for good conversations with my family and friends. Warren, Abe and I talked last night (yeah, I was so tired that I couldn't sleep. Hate that . . .) And then Annie and I were able to talk a bit on the way into town and back after retrieving pizza this afternoon :-) There is definitely something to be said for being home. Even if I am still sleeping on the couch. Oh well. It's a comfy couch.

I want to learn to play guitar in the worst way. But I feel completely inept. Argh. If I do end up moving home, music is something I will be dedicating significant effort to, that's for sure. Family, music and saving money. Sounds like a plan to me.

There were thoughts of actual sort of consequence that I was going to write about, but for some reason, writing isn't coming to me yet. I think I'm still too soul-weary. Maybe later...

Awesome.

Tonight, I was paid one of the highest compliments of my life.

A guy I respect as a brother thanked me almost profusely and said I was awesome.

Let it be known heretoforthwith that sometimes. . . sometimes it really does pay off.

Thanks, God. :-)

How many kings stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many gods have poured out their hearts to romance a world that is torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?


Only one.
~How Many Kings, downhere

Amazing, how I've been struggling against cynical scroogey thoughts recently. . . it just takes a little perspective. I'm not going to all of a sudden decide to send out scads of Christmas cards to everyone who's said more than "hi" in my life. And I'm not about to go spend money I don't have on awesome presents for my friends and family. I'm not even going to say that I'm feeling miraculously happy when, quite honestly, I'm fighting depression awfully hard right now.

But I will say that God is good. Because He is. And I will keep praying for a heart that is open to His leading and life that is lived for His purpose.

Disappointed

I am disappointed. Supposedly that means that I was hoping. Maybe I'm still hoping? I don't know, really. Mostly, I feel confused.

It's so weird to realize that you know someone so incredibly well as to know that they WOULD do something, but then think that they've grown and matured past a point where that becomes acceptable . . . . only to blink and see them do something nearly inexplicable.

Maybe I should market myself for my insane skillz. Got a position that needs filling? Hire me to be simply interested in it and it will no longer need filling. Guy looking for a girlfriend? Flirt with me a bit to get me interested and then she'll come along.

:-P I'm really not as cynical as this sounds. Abba's teaching me so many things. I just need to get my thoughts out.

Time to stop blogging and start journaling, I guess.