Friday, December 19, 2008

Where is the line

between ignorance and bliss?

I asked that question and received "Prudence and common sense" as an answer. Good point, but doesn't the question beg the point that ignorance is not truly bliss?

Hmm.

Anyway, I am a released EMT. I am responsible for a crew, a patient, a scene, an ambulance and pretty much all sorts of things that should terrify me, but, oddly enough, don't.

Another thing on the list of oddities: pediatric calls are fairly infrequent. Since I've been running as a released provider I've had three patients. They ranged in age from 6 days to 11 years.

Wanna see something funny? Send a girl who's terrified of infants in the first place into a pediatric office where she's expecting to find a 6 month old patient [eek!] and instead present her with a 6 day old actively being suctioned with a bulb syringe. {EEK!!!}

Ok, I know that suctioning mucous and junk is not a big deal for the most part. Babies throw up all the time, and they get gunky and need to be wiped up after, but this was kinda different and rather nervewracking. Fortunately, we transported and arrived at the hospital safely, but it's not something I'd like to repeat any time soon. Afterward I was emphatically told by both the medic AND the senior EMT on my crew that I can no longer run Thursday day shift.

I'm exhausted and wondering why I love this stuff so much......

....and I'm happy.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

W. T. F.

For real!? Truly and honestly and....just REALLY?!?!???

Ok, so it's not like I ever had any illusions of being the only girl he was dating. And I didn't really think that it was going "work out." And I knew that I shouldn't be dating a nonChristian/nominal Catholic/whatever it is that he is.

But a kid?? He's gonna have a KID?! And I find out on Google. This is great. Juuuuust great. The irony is simply dazzling, and I feel sick.

I feel sick for me, in a way, just because....I was vulnerable to something like this. Oh my gosh. But I feel more sick for her. For that poor woman who is in a relationship with him, all happy and excited and planning a nursery and preparing to go through the most painful physical experience known to all womankind. How can he do that to her? She doesn't deserve to be two-timed. Nobody deserves that. And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure it's not two-timed. It's more likely something like 5 timed or worse.

What am I supposed to do? I finally talked to him about it, and he got toooootally pissed at me. Told me that I don't really have a whole lot of life experience to go on and that looking people up online is a bad idea because you might find out things that you "just don't need to know!" Said he'd "talk to me later" at the end of the conversation, but I'm not counting on it.

Why do I care? This hurts so much. My heart is breaking for a woman I've never met and the son she's going to meet next month. My heart is breaking for him, too. That he could become so emotionally detatched as to actually....oh, God. I'm a messed up cookie, for sure, but at least my screw ups don't hold intense attachment to a series of other people.

Or they didn't until this.

I knew from the moment I met him that my life would be different as a result, but this is beyond, by far, ANYTHING that possibly would have gone through my mind.

Now what?