Ball and Chain...

...Forever.

That's how my brother expressed his sentiments to my chatter about the incessantness of wedding plans.

While I've laughed off the "ball and chain" quote before, and still believe it's not the reality of marriage, I found myself agreeing with him to an extent. It's something I simply cannot comprehend. I can remember loving and all of the emotion that went with it, but I can't comprehend it, or imagine ever loving again. And I don't mean in the classic "I will never love again, for I have had my one true love" sense. I just . . . .don't think there's anything left in my heart to love.

Not that I feel dead inside, even though, to a degree, I do. It's like a forest fire ripped through my very core over this past year. The combination of everything has me wishing I could swear off trusting anyone ever again. If I don't want to deal with my own mother, what makes me think I could love anyone?

Haaaaa. *sigh* I should go to bed. I'm exhausted. What's it like to not be exhausted?

Freedom

An eagle, wounded after falling during her first attempt at flying, sat in cage. Perhaps “sat” is not the right word, but “perched” does not fit the situation either. For reasons too various to quantify, eagles do not belong in cages, and so it is really impossible to describe what the noble bird was doing. “Sat” seems to fit, though, because it indicates a sort of slump, when used in reference to eagles.

While the eagle sat, her heart was in tumult. At first from the pain of injury, but after that faded, the realization that she was caged. It bears repeating that eagles do not belong in cages. The eagle knew this in her heart of hearts, and so she was deeply troubled to find herself, well, caged.

The eagle sat in the cage for what felt like an eternity, and all the while, the storm within her raged. Her feathers molted, she matured and changed in appearance, but if you looked closely, you could see that she was not a true eagle. Eagles do not belong in cages. But this eagle was caged. In fact, she was caged for so long that she began to forget what it was to be free. No matter what she forgot, her heart always remembered: she was an eagle. And eagles do not belong in cages.

One day, the eagle’s heart nearly burst with the importance of what it knew.

“Get OUT!” it cried from within her. “Get out and FLY the way you’re meant to!”

Something within the eagle snapped, and though she could not have explained why (eagles rarely explain anything) she decided to fight. The talons which had never been used clawed at the bars surrounding her and the wings that barely knew what it was to stretch explored their reach by beating the enclosure until it broke. As the cage fell away, the eagle found herself slowly rising into the air. When she realized that she was flying and finally in her rightful home – the sky – a screeching cry erupted from her heart. The echo reply made her take notice of her new surroundings, and the immensity of sky overwhelmed her for a moment. Then a warm air current found its home beneath her wings and bore her even higher and she knew: she was made for this. She would never sit in a cage again.

I'll Know When I Get There

I'll know when I get there
I don't know if it's worth it
And I don't know if I'm good enough
All I know is I'm giving it all I've got
And I'll know when I get there

It's hard to tell just where you're at
When you're looking for somethin' that ain't on a map
I've just gotta believe it's down that road somewhere
And I'll know when I get there...

~Keith Anderson, I'll Know When I Get There