Art

I am not an artist.

There are parts of my heart that yearn to express themselves; through pictures, through sketches, through music...and every time I try to get it out, it's not what I want it to be. The pictures in my heart are richer than the ones that pop out of my camera. The drawings in my mind aren't lopsided and disappointingly two dimensional. And the songs that lie sleeping in my soul have harmonies that blend so perfectly with a melody yet unheard.

So, I write. But because the words aren't pictures or music [and we all know that a picture is worth a thousand words...music is a different language entirely] I scorn myself. I scorn the words. The thought that mere letters can express the depth of my heart on any given subject seems pathetic.

Which means I stop writing, in turn bottling up the all of the stuff that doesn't get expressed in any other form of art.

Vicious cycle, really....compounded by lack of time and a dying laptop battery.

Hospice

There's a patient on my unit who is now on "full hospice care" She's obviously dying. I go in to check on her during rounds and have to stand and watch for a full 15 seconds in order to see her catch her breath.

Two nights ago, I was sitting with a patient who came to us with norovirus and her agitation got increasingly worse - especially when I tried to get her to lie down. Then she started gurgling and coughing and sounding generally not good. Upon transport to the ER downstairs, suction became necessary and the greenest stuff I've ever seen come out of person made its appearance. She was transferred to the big hospital and died the next day.

When I started working on a psych unit, I never thought that I'd be facing extensive geriatric/nursing home type situations. It's so...sad. But not in the "I just want to cry" sense. It's not really emotional for me; there's a disconnect in my brain that doesn't allow for emotion to get involved. I try to make these people comfortable; I do everything I can to help them, and then I move straight to the acceptance stage. There's a sort of check in my brain saying that someday, all of this is going to come back to me and I'm going to become a flipped out basket case........I hope not. It's my goal to ease the suffering and make the unnaturalness of death and the transition to it less painful - for the patient AND the patient's family. That last part is kind of difficult when the unit is on isolation due to norovirus exposure.

Tomorrow is my first BioMedical Ethics class. I got a peek at the syllabus tonight and we will be discussing things like living wills and advanced directives this semester. Now that it's out of the hypothetical and into reality for me I think it's going to feel like more of a fuzzy area. Guess we'll see...

Unplugged...with a lot of thoughts and a dying battery.

I don't like feeling as though I am misunderstood, but it's worse when I feel that the misunderstandings are a direct result of my miscommunication.

And I seriously have a bunch of deep and probing brain things about this line of thought, but, as usual, they are being difficult to express while at work. So I'm going to do this thing that Heidi had on her blog....

{Bold items have been done by me}

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child {I have three Compassion kids!}
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill {it wasn't really a sick day; my boss knew I was going skiing. It was a snow day}
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language {barely...the French I self taught in high school hasn't really lasted}
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance {I've transported...countless people...and I've PLAYED at being a patient, so I think I sort of get points}
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life {most. amazing. feeling. ever.}
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

And...yeah, ok, that's it. I would like to think that going to Europe - or rather, NOT going, doesn't define my life...and hey, I've swum in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland! And been to the cliff in Scotland that constitutes the Biblical "uttermost parts of the earth." That's gotta count for something ;-)

Appreciating Gravity

I fell off a horse today.

It was my fault, really. I was being lazy and not paying attention, and then the other horse spooked, which spooked my horse and, well, lateral movement was not at the forefront of my mind just then.

It's gonna hurt worse in the morning.

But that's ok. My schedule is finally adjusted to the point where I'll be able to ride regularly once a week! I'm pretty excited about that. We'll see if I'm able to maintain a decent GPA along with the rest of my activities...and sleep is something that needs to be more of a priority this semester. But for the most part, I'm excited.

Tonight I am babysitting the duckie. The duckie is absolutely adorable, and while I love her to pieces, she has thoroughly convinced me that having children is not at the top of my "achieve before menopause" list. I don't know how mothers do it. I seriously don't. And I definitely don't know how they survive more than one little person who screams for no apparent reason for hours on end. Seriously. The child was obviously exhausted (she's finally sleeping now.....) but she just kept wailing. There would be brief moments of respite when she would suck on her sleeve and hiccup, but once her lungs recovered, she'd be back to screaming full force again. I'm only here for an evening and she's driven me closer to insanity. How do moms DO it???

Whew. Anyway. I should be writing a history assignment instead of a ranting random blog post.

Well That Was Interesting [and other tales from the north]

So my 2009 began in a prophetic meeting service thingy.

I could go into a long drawn out explanation of why I'm leery of prophetic meeting thingies. There's an interesting history involving well-intentioned people and a youthful ignorance about charismatic doctrine that was quickly...nonignoranced. But the past isn't really going to help put much in perspective this time. Neither is a debate on the merits of doctrine questioning the validity of prophecy in modern times.

The fact of the matter is, for as much as my relationship with God has become sort of like those marriages where the involved parties live in the same house, share the same bed and go through the motions of building a life together without actively knowing each other anymore, I knew that He had a reason for bringing me to that spot. And I knew that I wasn't really going to buy whatever any preacher man had to say. Or I would at least...chew on it and try to dissect it and otherwise, you know, rationalize.

So it came as no real surprise to me when the guy picked me out of the row and had me stand in the aisle to pray over me. It came as no surprise when he used the word "annointing" about 3 times in 30 seconds; his type is rather fond of the word "annointing" I'm not, but hey.

He said a lot of things, but the thing that got me most was a fervent "open the door to believing again!" that almost seemed an afterthought in prayer. My sisters pick on the fact that he called me "strong and bullheaded," attributing such characteristics to our dad. What if I am? It means I haven't given up.

I know that a lot of what is marketed as prophecy tends to be super generalized and broadly applicable, but I also believe that God knows what I need....and He gives it to me.

Now if we could just get back to the "yep, I trust You, lead me off the cliff...." point.