...that winter left the mid-Atlantic, and with it, Naomi's mutant power of developing lizard skin.
And also, apparently, Naomi's ability to concentrate on things like school work and tests that are happening in 24 hours.
We've had the most gorgeous-bordering-on-disgustingly-hot weather for the past couple of days. Today is overcast and drippy, but the green of the grass and the leaves is so vibrant and alive that it really isn't a "curl up and sleep" sort of cloudiness. It's aching with the promise of now.
That's how I feel these days - aching with the promise of now. Promises mean anticipation and future awesomeness and "wait and see, it's gonna be great!" but I'm living now. In the present tense.
So I ache.
And wonder what to do and where I'll go and how it all works out, only to conclude that it WILL work out, somehow and all I can do is my best, right now, so quit thinking, start doing and....
it's finals week. why am i blogging? :-P
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
This is Me
I think that I don't write very much any more because I'm getting better at talking - and I actually have people to talk to now. As opposed to high school when I knew basically nobody.
That said, there are still a number of things that float through my head that I don't really express very much. Or maybe I DO talk about them, but a certain depth of exploration can be had when words are written rather than spoken. For instance: I am sick of being fat. I have been fat for years and years and years. For a long time, I didn't know anything different. I thought it was normal to be a size 14 at 14 years old, and, well, to continue until you hover on the border of XL for years at a time in such a way that is nearly maddening. "Normal" clothes don't fit, and "plus size" is like wearing a tent. Great. Besides that, though, there's an entire facet of my personality that never gets to explore because of being overweight. I LOVE being outside. I went on a 13 mile hike this past summer and it was absolutely amazing -- though it took a heck of a lot longer than it should have for a 23 year old person. Hills kill me...probably always will, but they shouldn't make me feel like that after 10 minutes. I want to snowboard, ski and RUN. I want to ride in a 3 day event [and I have a trainer pushing for me to do just that this coming Fall . . . ] I want to dance.
Sure, I want flat abs. Who doesn't? It'd be nice to have things that are supposed be toned be...toned. But it's more than that. I'm sick of being the fat funny friend. I'm sick of wondering if the only reason I rarely get hit on is my weight. Not that I WANT to be hit on by skeevy dudes, but it makes you wonder when your 15 year old sister has to figure out how to handle that sort of thing when you've never had the problem.
I realize that there are so many people out there with health problems and other issues that prevent them from living an active vivaciously physical life. I'm not one of them. I'm just freakin fat.
And yeah, I've been sick of it for a long time, and sure, I've tried various diets and work out routines and whatever. I've gone down and regained and contemplated anorexic behaviors. The only thing I haven't done is actually gotten better. This isn't a disease, this is a lifestyle of ignorance leading to poor choices and denial.
Turn the lights on; it's over.
That said, there are still a number of things that float through my head that I don't really express very much. Or maybe I DO talk about them, but a certain depth of exploration can be had when words are written rather than spoken. For instance: I am sick of being fat. I have been fat for years and years and years. For a long time, I didn't know anything different. I thought it was normal to be a size 14 at 14 years old, and, well, to continue until you hover on the border of XL for years at a time in such a way that is nearly maddening. "Normal" clothes don't fit, and "plus size" is like wearing a tent. Great. Besides that, though, there's an entire facet of my personality that never gets to explore because of being overweight. I LOVE being outside. I went on a 13 mile hike this past summer and it was absolutely amazing -- though it took a heck of a lot longer than it should have for a 23 year old person. Hills kill me...probably always will, but they shouldn't make me feel like that after 10 minutes. I want to snowboard, ski and RUN. I want to ride in a 3 day event [and I have a trainer pushing for me to do just that this coming Fall . . . ] I want to dance.
Sure, I want flat abs. Who doesn't? It'd be nice to have things that are supposed be toned be...toned. But it's more than that. I'm sick of being the fat funny friend. I'm sick of wondering if the only reason I rarely get hit on is my weight. Not that I WANT to be hit on by skeevy dudes, but it makes you wonder when your 15 year old sister has to figure out how to handle that sort of thing when you've never had the problem.
I realize that there are so many people out there with health problems and other issues that prevent them from living an active vivaciously physical life. I'm not one of them. I'm just freakin fat.
And yeah, I've been sick of it for a long time, and sure, I've tried various diets and work out routines and whatever. I've gone down and regained and contemplated anorexic behaviors. The only thing I haven't done is actually gotten better. This isn't a disease, this is a lifestyle of ignorance leading to poor choices and denial.
Turn the lights on; it's over.
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