I think that I don't write very much any more because I'm getting better at talking - and I actually have people to talk to now. As opposed to high school when I knew basically nobody.
That said, there are still a number of things that float through my head that I don't really express very much. Or maybe I DO talk about them, but a certain depth of exploration can be had when words are written rather than spoken. For instance: I am sick of being fat. I have been fat for years and years and years. For a long time, I didn't know anything different. I thought it was normal to be a size 14 at 14 years old, and, well, to continue until you hover on the border of XL for years at a time in such a way that is nearly maddening. "Normal" clothes don't fit, and "plus size" is like wearing a tent. Great. Besides that, though, there's an entire facet of my personality that never gets to explore because of being overweight. I LOVE being outside. I went on a 13 mile hike this past summer and it was absolutely amazing -- though it took a heck of a lot longer than it should have for a 23 year old person. Hills kill me...probably always will, but they shouldn't make me feel like that after 10 minutes. I want to snowboard, ski and RUN. I want to ride in a 3 day event [and I have a trainer pushing for me to do just that this coming Fall . . . ] I want to dance.
Sure, I want flat abs. Who doesn't? It'd be nice to have things that are supposed be toned be...toned. But it's more than that. I'm sick of being the fat funny friend. I'm sick of wondering if the only reason I rarely get hit on is my weight. Not that I WANT to be hit on by skeevy dudes, but it makes you wonder when your 15 year old sister has to figure out how to handle that sort of thing when you've never had the problem.
I realize that there are so many people out there with health problems and other issues that prevent them from living an active vivaciously physical life. I'm not one of them. I'm just freakin fat.
And yeah, I've been sick of it for a long time, and sure, I've tried various diets and work out routines and whatever. I've gone down and regained and contemplated anorexic behaviors. The only thing I haven't done is actually gotten better. This isn't a disease, this is a lifestyle of ignorance leading to poor choices and denial.
Turn the lights on; it's over.
3 comments:
I'm with you. :-/ What I think we don't hear in our fat-hating culture, however, is *just how hard* it is to lose the weight. People assume - WE assume - fat people (US!) are lazy, undisciplined, lack willpower, etc etc etc. The truth is that for many fat people, to successfully lose the weight and keep it off would take a solid couple hours of exercise every day (I'm starting to see myself as being in this category) and a PERFECT diet. No cheating. There's more involved than calories in, calories out honey. There are hormones (the bane of my existence), genetics, and all kinds of things scientists have yet to explain fully (leptin, set point, etc.)
Not that we shouldn't do our best...I think ideally everyone should eat an unprocessed, locally grown diet and get lots of vigorous exercise...but frankly I don't see my thin friends doing that either. In fact usually my thin friends have more unhealthy habits than my overweight friends' habits!
But we should also cut ourselves some slack (I'm saying this minutes after glaring at the scale YET AGAIN this morning) and realize that being fat doesn't make us unlovable, it doesn't make us unworthy, it doesn't make us unlovely, it doesn't mean we are lazy or dumb or unimpressive. It means we're fat. That's it. It doesn't have all the existential meaning we usually associate with it (contrary to what our culture might try to tell us.)
Yeah, but that's what I mean. As far as I know, there's no physical reason - hormonal or otherwise - for me to be like this. It's driving me crazy, and I can't afford a trainer or really even a gym membership. Honestly, I don't think that I should NEED a gym or someone yelling at me in order to work out regularly.
*sigh* I know that a lot of it has to do with my crazy schedule pushing me to the point of exhaustion, and that it doesn't mean God hates me....it's just...does it have to be so hard for me to like me?
I like hiking too . . . and hills are hard for me! :-) Next time I go, I'll call you.
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